Modeling

This week was particularly challenging.  I have no idea why, specifically.  I seemed edgier, moodier and more like a time-bomb than I had in previous weeks.  I took more B-complex, but the mellow just wouldn't come.  I prayed for it.  I yearned for it.  The edge came off a wee bit, but the kids got the brunt of my irritation.   I think I'll blame it on my continually morphing pregnancy hormones. 

Eva was like a piece of volcanic rock that refused to be shaped into anything.  (Please note that she was happily compliant at CC this week!  She's only obstinate and difficult with yours truly.)  I begged, I pleaded, I bribed, and I threatened my way through reading, review and more review.  It was torturous for both of us. 

I know with most things that require a type of major life change (marriage, new baby, moving, etc.) there's an adjustment period.  I've experienced enough of these adjustment periods to know that it's not easy, that there's usually a plateau period where it feels like nothing good is happening and, although you're doing all the right stuff, the change is still awful and you feel like you'll be stuck there for an eternity.  I think we've plateaued (ALREADY?!?) with this homeschool business.  The novelty has worn off.  I fully expect that we will move past this and it WILL get better. (Right?!)  I mean, it can only go up from here. 

I'm the type of person who appreciates, in the extreme, perfection.  If something isn't going the way I think it should, I labor mentally going over every juncture of possible failure.  With homeschooling, I'm second-guessing it all!  Am I too hard on her?  Should I be more structured?  Is she really ready for this?  Am I really ready for this?  How do I keep the boys busy?!  Should I keep shooing them out of the room or let them stay? (It's not their fault they're interested to the point of distraction!)

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here and that's both a relief and an added bit of terror.  (I appreciate concise instructions, darn it!  Why didn't life come with an instruction manual?!)  I've cut myself a lot of slack, admitting early on that this would be hard for me (and Eva).  I know that we are not two peas in a pod, that we butt heads A LOT, and that this teaching business would not come naturally to me.  I do not have a knack for distraction or gently steering my young charges in the way they should go.  My natural tendency is more to hit them over the head with a mallet and hope for the best.

And, so, my last hope for myself and my children is modeling.  I don't mean the kind where annoying photographers snap pics of my beautiful family.  I mean the kind where I actually DO the work I want them to be doing and they eventually start to do it, too, because they've seen and heard me to do it a hundred times before them.  I had a lightbulb moment this afternoon while hanging wash where I realized that I learn from modeling!  That has ALWAYS been the easiest way for me to learn how to do anything.  I watch someone else do it and then I do it, too!  I have been pretty hard on Eva.  I think, probably, just expecting too much from her little 5 year old mind.  She's a bit ahead of some of the kids in her class, but I think it's because of me pushing so hard.  And while it's nice to see her achieving, I don't want to turn her into ME.  I don't WANT her to be a perfectionist!  I want her to enjoy the journey instead of spending her life trying to figure out how to enjoy the journey! 

Sooooo, the goal henceforth will be to take in as much good stuff (discipline techniques, teaching methods, learning tools, etc.) as the other moms at CC have to offer and, thankfully, it is quite a bounty.  I shall model their behavior, pray for God's grace and mercy for my family, and I shall model all of the information Eva is given in a week when she isn't abruptly forthcoming with it in the way I would normally desire her to be.  I will not berate myself when a day isn't as fruitful in the education department as I would like it to be and I will encourage Eva, even though it feels like she's hedging me at every turn, to soak this information up like the little sponge that she is.  And I will do it joyfully and not with gritted teeth!  Well, at least let's hope so...